Thin Ice

***a personal & reflective journal***

I am the best judge of my emotional history.

When I first started walking with God, I was young and very zealous. I just wanted God’s strength and power to be a part of me. I wasn’t concerned about being weak. In fact being weak was the last thing on my mind (very typical male, I know ☺).

The reality was, I carried much emotional baggage. I discovered quickly that deciding to follow Jesus didn’t mean I could just check all my struggles at the door. Past pains and abuses had made me susceptible to very deep emotional lows. Even though I’d pray to God and read his word every day, the pains from my past always seemed to linger. I hadn’t drowned them out yet. It was so deep that every week I would find myself entertaining thoughts of suicide. In those moments, I thought that I’d rather die than live in so much pain.

I sought God, but I was only concerned with being strong- I couldn’t see myself as a child, hurting and in desperate need of God’s mercy.

It was during that season that a verse from the Bible had a powerful impact on my life. Today, it is a huge reason why I believe that the Bible is “living and active” and gives “light to the eyes” and “restores the soul.” It was Jesus’ words in Matthew 6:14-15 that helped me turn a new corner.

“If you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.”

My pain was so great; I didn’t feel a tinge of mercy. I only wanted the person who hurt me to know the depth of my pain. Jesus’ word to me was that if I truly received God’s forgiveness for all my sins against Him, than I should be able to forgive others.

I couldn’t do it. It wasn’t in me. It was only by looking into the compassion and majesty of my Savior that I was really able to forgive. I realized that being able to forgive those who have hurt and destroyed me- that was true power. It was the realest testimony that I had received divine forgiveness.

So I forgave with a forgiveness that wasn’t my own. It was simple and with words, but profound in terms that I think God saw me from heaven and was pleased. When I, in action, lived out God forgiveness to me by forgiving others, I received not only restoration, but also power and a new life that only comes from God.

I am thankful that God’s ways are not our ways. In that season of growth, God was teaching me that my weakness was his way of making me depend on his strength. By showing me that I needed to live out of my weakness instead of my power, he was teaching me that I needed him as the sole source of my life. The whole time, as he was instilling me with the truth that “his love is better than life”, he was healing my brokenness.

***

Today I walk the streets of Bangkok. I look back at that season of my life and laugh and remember fondly the vigor of my youth (although I am still young).

I have been wary of my emotional history, and have intentionally treaded softly in these last weeks. I have taken small steps, gauging my heart along the way. I have tested the ice beneath me, pressing the weight of my emotions on top of it, waiting to see if it would crack. I am thankful that because of Jesus’ healing in my life, I have discovered that the ice beneath me is not as thin as it used to be. I am stronger now.

God has prepared me for this season of my life.

While I am renewed by his strength and forgiveness, I have still found it difficult to completely embrace my new life in Asia. As I am trying to lay hold of a new season, I am learning that a part of me still wants to hold on to the past. I guess that is natural.

It’s not really the lifestyle that I miss. Surfing, snowboarding and food I can live with out (but I’m betting that missing Laker basketball will prove difficult ☺). I made up my mind a long time ago that I would never make God adjust his plans to my lifestyle, but rather, I would be the one to adjust to wherever he sends me. So it’s not the lifestyle, but I think it’s the relationships that make it hard.

In California, whenever the pressures of work, school or ministry weighed heavy on me I could always find an escape. I could make the drive down the 91 to see my parents, play with my dog and eat all the food my mother cooked. Or I could call my trusted friends to just hang out. At home I had relationships to lean on where I could just be myself with no apprehension- completely unfiltered with all my flaws.
There’s something about living in another part of the world, or anywhere new, that strips you of all your dependencies.

Each night I have been in Bangkok, I find myself dreaming that I’m back home spending time with a different person I love. It’s ironic, because while I am dreaming, part of me wants to be back in Asia. But when I’m awake I think about being home. Morning comes and I open my eyes and have to remind myself of where I am. It’s a good thing I think, because with every new day I’m reminded that God has faithfully brought me to this point. In my youth, I am thankful for the degrees that he has broken and humbled me. I’m so unworthy, only willing.

So while I have not posted, I have journaled much. And I promise that some of them are pretty funny and not as serious as today’s. I just haven’t posted them. Honestly, I have felt a little apprehensive about putting them up since now I know you all are reading! But I promise to be as candid as possible. Please accept my miscalculated judgments and fleshly inclinations! To His Name be the Glory.

Missing you,

eb


"But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me." 2 Cor. 12:9