Obituary for an Idealist

*** an excerpt from my personal journal***

Jan. 1, 2009

I tried to take time to be reflective and write down everything that I’m thankful for in the year 2008. Of course on my list there were the undervalued and often mentioned family, friends and health.

I found within myself a sense of irony, when in trying to reflect upon thanksgiving I found myself drawn to this year's personal failures and disappointments. And there have been many. It is ironic that after having seemingly failed and underachieved in so many aspects in my life that God has brought me farther than I ever could have gone on my own strength. Yes, I can concur that it is only when steel is bent in the furnace of failure that it can be formed into the image of God’s only son. The fire- the torrid flame- is the only passage through a person of haughty countenance can ascend. If failure is the precursor to glory than I can only continue to claim my failures as my utmost thanksgiving.

I realize my own limitations. If I could write an obituary for the death of an idealistic youth, I would. Standing on the cusp of 2009 when I will turn just 23-years-old, I realize that the fallout of youthful idealism is that it is tainted by pride. It fails to realize that our foresight is shallow; we are not invincible, we cannot fly and death is our shared destiny. This is a doorway to adulthood that I have felt most excruciatingly sobering because it reveals the frailty of my own humanness.

I see in my own reflection, limited and finite creation, clinging to the infinite and omnipotent Creator. I confess that as a man, finite and broken, I am limited in my human ability to carry out the divine plan.

In all this I have yet to relinquish idealism in itself and I don’t plan to for as long as I have breath. I have only put it into the hands of One who is greater than I- the One who fights on my own behalf- for the fulfillment of my joy and peace. I can only hope that my personal idealism can be steeped in reality and rooted in God’s willingness to carry out his will for his own name’s sake. Through the years and seasons may he never find me lacking in zeal, but may I be resolved to forget about what is behind and press on towards the upward calling that Jesus has given me. By his sustaining grace may he lead me through every failure, every disappointment, every glory and every blessing. Cheers to 2009.

Lead Me to the Rock
Psalm 63: 1-5
Of David

1Hear my cry, O God,
listen to my prayer;
2from the end of the earth I call to you
when my heart is faint.
Lead me to the rock
that is higher than I,
3for you have been my refuge,
a strong tower against the enemy.
4Let me dwell in your tent forever!
Let me take refuge under the shelter of your wings!
Selah
5 For you, O God, have heard my vows;
you have given me the heritage of those who fear your name.